“Cheating is breaking an agreement around intimacy with a partner, whether physical or emotional; for some couples, sexting is OK and for others it is cheating… the definition is entirely dependent on the agreements the partners have with each other,” she explains. “Cheating usually involves either lying directly or by omission, and they may start to withhold emotionally from their partner – discussing their feelings and the things that are important to them less and less.
“In order to avoid misunderstandings and potentially damaging rifts in the relationship, agreements need to be clear from the beginning, with clear statements of what they are agreeing to: where fidelity is being promised, where it is not and any rules around interactions with people outside the relationship. It is best to define boundaries as part of this process.”
If infidelity has already occurred, Bisbey’s top tips for negotiating and repairing a relationship include:
“Get professional help; there is a much higher chance of being able to move forward if the couple works with a professional who can help to make sure talking it through is done in a way that doesn’t cause further damage.
“Understand that repairing trust is the most difficult part of moving in from an affair and have patience with each other. Be transparent and reassure your partner if you were the one who had the affair.
“Cut all communication with the person with whom you had the affair. This is important in order to refocus on the relationship and give it a chance to heal.”
Bisbey is available for personal counseling, as well as through her self-help book, Dancing the Edge to Reclaiming Your Reality and podcast A to Z of Sex®.
